I’ve been noticing increasingly high tension more and more on the streets of Dallas. If you live here, this isn’t a surprise to you. Matter of fact, you probably came a second close to closing the page. I don’t blame you. It’s not that interesting of a subject, but yes, I think about it a lot. This isn’t limited to the streets of Dallas though. Every city has its reputation for traffic. I remember sitting next to my Aunt when she came to visit years and years ago. It was winter in Dallas and we had ice on the roads. We don’t get snow; it just goes from 90 degree weather straight to ice, slush, and mud. We dream of a murky brown and grey Christmas here. Anyway, my Aunt and I were watching people spin out on the ice, and I heard her say, “Rookies…” under her breath. I laughed a little, but it’s true. In Texas, people don’t worry about road conditions because they’re so confident that they are Gods and nothing could hurt them out there. Stupid.

So, about the reputations that I’ve gathered so far from media and experience. People in Dallas, not Fort Worth, but Dallas are the stupid-crazy drivers of the country. We find ways to have accidents. You don’t step outside your door without first planning to be sitting in stop and go traffic for a while if you want to make it to work on time. Fort Worth is a completely different story. If you listen to the traffic report in the morning, my point is proven EVERY morning. The person announcing will tell us about the 6-7 different accidents in Dallas, and then tell us Fort Worth is completely clear. It seems that Fort Worth residents are reformed Dallas residents that got sick of the stupid drivers. Media tells us that California is a constant parking lot, and Boston is full of truly and clinically insane drivers. If you’re a trill seeker, I highly recommend driving through the tunnel at night in Boston. Those that live there should know what I’m talking about. Wow. That’s all, just… wow. Now Colorado drivers? I actually witnessed 5 people in a matter of 2 hours move out of the left lane and back into it to let us pass. There were more examples of that polite behavior as the trip went on. No pun intended. Unbelievable! That kind of kindness is so rare, and it wasn’t just those wayward travelers, it was EVERYONE. People in Wisconsin have got it right. The traffic is just as heavy as Dallas at rush hour except it moves at a steady 55mph. Impressive synchronized driving. It has to be a skill taught only to Wisconsin residents and they must be training like swimmers. Oklahoma is the land of grandma drivers. BUT there’s a very good reason. Oklahoma cops are NOT to be messed with. They have the ability to make your life hell and then they follow you to your house where they invade your dreams where you find yourself chained to a work bench equip with a rusty table saw rattling and buzzing near parts of the body I’d rather not mention, while they constantly write tickets and drop them into the spinning blade, firing the shreds at you until you’re buried in them and all you can hear is the faint, muffled laughter and buzzing noise from underneath the heap. Not a pretty sight.

Enough of that. My greatest concern is that Karma doesn’t really apply to highway driving or driving in general in Dallas. No matter how many people you are nice to or let on the highway without intentional speeding up where they have to either back off or ride the shoulder for a moment, NO ONE will return the favor for you. In that case, does Karma not apply to cars in general? Kind of a free meal ticket in balance of the universe, wouldn’t you say?

One thing that no one has seemed to figure out yet is that there can be a balance of power and right on the highways, but no one will work together! Try the concept of zippering. We all know that you have the right of way when you’re on the highway and some one is just getting on. Now, insert rush hour into the equation. Slow up a bit to let someone on, but only one car, and the person behind you does the same thing, and the person behind him, etc. For the people getting on the ramp, if you see someone getting in front of someone, don’t try to get in front of the same car! Get right behind him! It’s called “zippering” people, and we can all stop having accidents getting on and off the ramp.

Tailgaters? You should all be shot. THERE IS NO NEED. Anyone here take Driver’s Ed? or even take a driver’s test? Remember the 3-second Rule? It’s about the only useful thing D.E. taught me, because if you go out on the highway and test it, you will find out just how useful it can be! Truck drivers, and wise asses alike, you have been warned, I’m installing two M249 Squad Automatic Weapons to the front bottom of my car and oil slick/smoke screen for the rear.

Follow the rules of Zippering and 3-Second, and stop taking those stupid pills and I’ll lay money you see a drop in the number of accidents in this town. There are so many things that I could talk about when it comes to this subject that I may have to amend this article from time to time. I think I will.

AMMENDMENT - 11.04.03

Just got back from my honeymoon after getting married on 10/18. We took a West Coast road trip that was truly extraordinary. With that included driving through New Mexico, Arizona, the southern tip of Nevada (which was enough), and yes, the forementioned California.

New Mexico? I don't think many people live there where we passed through, but the truck drivers know that the speed limit is about to fall to 65 at night time driving in Texas, so they have to flatten anyone they see while it's still legal to kill, and no one will EVER find the body. BUT the price of potted cactus steadily goes down the further south you travel. Want hand-painted Indian pottery? Prepare to be shafted.

If I ever get control of our nuclear weapon stores here in the US, southern Arizona is the first to go, Phoenix specifically. I have never driven in a state where it is possible to drive like a moron, coasting into other people's lanes, and give you bad customer service all at the same time. Someone ought to introduce these people to bumper cars, and quick. Plus, you better like mariachi music, else bring a book on tape/CD. Northern Arizona doesn't count since the flow of tourism is at its highest, and the mixture of different types of drivers makes your head and emotions spin sending you into a constant state of manic depression.

Las Vegas, Nevada. Stating that location should sum up everything I'm about to say. Put simply, they know you don't live there, they don't care, and they aren't afraid to ram other cars into you, or step out of their cars and hurl those cars with brute strength at you. My advice would be to stay in the right lane and use an extra mirror angled right in front of the car while keeping your head as close to the floor board as possible.

Which takes us to the last state in the journey, California. I could fill pages about this since we went to San Francisco by way of Death Valley, then down the coast on Hwy 1 to Los Angeles and Hollywood, and then on 10 below San Bernedino. Such a variety, but all within the same aggresive patterns. It was necessary though. If you didn't take what you wanted on the highway, prepare to crap your pants and go sit in a corner crying and sucking your thumb. And those mountain drivers! Driving on the side of the mountain, you actually get to witness all of those people who do car commercials where they wip around 25mph corners at 55, and live. Damn scary. I admit, I'm a brave driver, but these unbarriered roadways were some of the most nerve racking, I've ever seen. Needless to say, I made PLENTY of lane changes into the Turnouts. Turnouts, for those who don't know, are gravel shoulders that have a mound of dirt shaped like ramps on the outermost parts of the sharp turn for those wishing to end it all right there. Guess I should have bought a squirrel...